As Valentine’s Day draws near, here are a few helpful hints on how to please the woman in your life. Be sure to follow the directions…carefully and all the way to the end.
#1: WET HANDS
Yep, it is the wet hands technique. Certainly one of the most popular among most women polled for this article. So simple. So exciting. You will leave her breathless.
-Fill the kitchen sink up with hot water and add a few drops of a scented dish liquid. Not too many, you don’t want it to be harsh. There are many very nice scents out now, from vanilla and lavender to grapefruit. It is completely up to you.
-With a soft cloth in your hands plunge your hands into the water and get the cloth very wet.
-Now, moving slowly and gently place a dish in the water and rub the cloth across the surface of it… over and over again.
-Place the dish in clean rinse water and repeat until she is moaning with pleasure.
#2: VIBRATE ME BABY
This technique utilises what many women think of as toys, it is a little more difficult and takes a little more muscle. Extra credit on this one if you wear a black ‘wife beater’ shirt at the same time. Are you man enough?
– Carefully pull the vacuum out of where it has been stored. You know you want to.
-Plug it in and push all the right buttons.
– Slowly move back and forth and back and forth across the carpet, you will know when to move to a new spot.
-Move to the next spot and repeat as long as it takes to get results.
#3: THE WET T SHIRT GAME
This game is pretty easy, although you will have to think quickly while in the midst of gettin’ your game on. If you can handle the amount of agitation and vibration in the first few minutes you will be okay until the end.
– You will need two piles… no I did not say poles, I said piles.
-Put everything white and light coloured in one and everything dark coloured in the other.
-Fill the washing machine with warm water and laundry soap (this is imperative… use the amount suggested by the manufacturer).
-Add the light pile. Close the lid.
-Write her a love letter about how great her eyes are while you are waiting for it to finish.
-Repeat with the dark colours except use cold water.
-Quick note: If your wife is screaming “Yes! Yes! Yes!” Don’t stop what you are doing… that is called domesticus interruptus and it really is frustrating for women.
#4: WHAT GOES UP MUST COME DOWN
This is best used as a quickie, whether in the middle of the night or during a chaotic afternoon. She can’t say no to this.
-When you put the toilet seat up, put it back down.
#5: TONIGHT IT’S ORAL GRATIFICATION
I know… I know… you almost can’t take any more verbal titillation. Good thing this is a short list. This last one is amazing. It is incredible… it definitely saves the best for last. This one will take some time to master. Work on it while using other techniques several times a week and then just expose your big secret to her when she least expects it. If you already know this technique you should be using it to its full potential by adding to your repertoire of tricks.
-Learn to cook a whole meal.
-When she has had a particularly rough day run her a bath, preferably aromatic with LUSH bath stuff.
-While she is bathing fix your incredible dinner (hot dogs and popcorn does not count)
-While she is still relaxed from the bath and satiated with dinner proceed to technique #1.
James Duncan, Facebook post